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 Jokes

More than Asked For....

Five year old Johnny told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother and offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, " I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother I guarantee that God will give you one!"
Johnny responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother.
He prayed every night for a whole month but when he told his friends what he was doing they said that it wasn't possible to pray for a baby brother; it has never happened before. Being the believing young man he was, Johnny quit praying and after another month Johnny's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnny's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins!
Johnny's dad looked down at him and said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?"
Johnny hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I did?"
 Atheist Dial-a-Prayer
They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now.
You call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.
 Give Thanks

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmasdinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Sinking Fast

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

Rotten Eggs

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills.
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?"
The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1." 
 
 
 

Smarter than Einstein

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein." Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"
As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.
The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"
The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."

Bless this Sermon

A preacher's little boy inquired, "Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the platform and bow your head. What are you doing?"
 
The father explained, "I'm asking the Lord to give me a good sermon."
 
The little boy said, "Why don't he?"
 

Famous Last Words

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

 
A Penny Saved.....
Hoping to help his church save money, Pastor Jones decided to paint the church exterior himself, but all he had on hand was one bucket of paint. So he collected a bunch of empty buckets and some water, which he used to this the paint enough to cover the building. Then he spent the whole day painting.
That night it rained and washed off all the paint. The pastor was so discouraged and asked God, "Why.....why Lord, did you let it rain and wash away all my hard work?" to which God replied, "Repaint and thin no more!"

 
A Gold Joke.....
Pastor Teefer found himself wondering whether there were any gold courses in heaven. He even began to ask the question in his prayers. One day, in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high.
"Yes,A" said the heavenly messenger, "there are many excellent golf courses in heaven. The greens are always in first-class condition, the weather is always perfect, and you always play with the nicest people."
"Oh, thank you," responded Preacher Teefer. "That really is marvelous news."
"Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger. "And we've got you down for a foursome next Saturday."
 
One More.....
A clergyman took a well-earned holiday and decided to go to one of those large golf resorts where Arnold Palmer often played.
As the minister approachyed the most difficult hold on the ccourse, the caddie siad, "When Arnold Palmer plays this hole, he uses a three-iron and says a prayer."
"I'll certainly give it a try," the preacher remarked. But when the ball landed in the water, he said, "I guess the Lord didn't hear me."
"He probably heard you," the caddie said, "but when Arnold Palmer says his prayers, he keeps his head down."
 
Big Fisherman.....
A very upset minister walked into the fish market. "I want you to throw me four big fish," he said to the clerk. "Just toss 'em to me."
"But why toss them to you?" the fishmonger asked. "Can't I just wrap them and give them to you like everyone elese?"
"No, sir!" yelled the preacher. "Do just as I say. So if anyone asks me if I caught any fish today, I can truthfully say, 'Sure did. Caught four big ones!'"
 
Prayer for safety....
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read, "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of teh congregation for his safety."
Failing to note the punctuation, the cleric startled the audience by announcing, "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of teh congregation for his safety."

 
Mower and Mower.....
Pastor Sampson was making visitation rounds on his trusty bicycle, when he turned a corner and came upon a young boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for it?" Sampson asked.
"I just need enough money to buy a bicycle," the boy explained. After a moment of thought, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
"Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the cord a few times with no reaction from the machine. The preacher called the boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "My dad says you have to cuss at it to get it started."
Pastor Sampson replied, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. I have been saved for so long I don't even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him with a sparkle in his eye, "Just keep pulling on that cord, and it'll come back to you."
 
Mail Call.....
The postman had just delivered Reverend Smith's mail. As the cleric opened envelopes and pulled out letters, he was suprised to unfold a sheet of paper that bore just one word, "Fool." The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name, but forgot to write a letter." 
 
 Prison Blues....
The preacher was visiting a man in prison. "When you were tempted," asked the minister, "why didn't you say, 'Get thee behind me, Satan!'?"
"I did," replied the prisoner, "but Satan said, 'It doesn't matter who leads, since we're both going the same direciton.'"

 
Truth of Care......
One Sunday morning Pastor Bob advised his congregation, "Next week I plan to prach about the sin of lying. In preparation for my message. I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday the reverend asked for a show of hands from those who had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. Pastor Bob smiled and announced, "Well, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
 
A Confession.....
The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a revival meeting. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the church this evening, you can hear me give directions on how to get to heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy replied. "You don't even know how to get to the post office."

 
Walking Out.....
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"Its not a relection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
 
 Bare Essentials.....
When the new First Church pastor came to town, one of his first official activities was to visit his parishioners. All went well untuil he knocked on the Jone's door. It was ovious that someone was home, but no one came to the door.
Finally he took out his card and wrote on the back, "Revelation 3:20, 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him,'" and stuck it in the door.
On Sunday his card found its way into the offering plate. Below his message was the notation, "Genesis 3:10, 'And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.'"

 
Bedside Manner....
A lonesome woman parishioner demanded a home visit from her pastor. So, as promised, the reverend showed up and sat by the woman's bed listening to her litany of woe. Finally he asked to read some passages from her bible.
In a much-too-sweet voice she called to her little daughter playing in the next room, "Darling, please bring Mother that dear old book that she reads every night." Promptly the little girl brought in a copy of a popular TV-movie magazine.
 
Caught in the Acts....
Sister Deena had just returned home from Sunday evening service when she was startled by a burglar. With great biblical authority she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!", shich implies "Turn from your sin."
The thief stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As The officer cuffed the man, he asked the burglar, "Why did you stop your burgling? All the old lady did was yell a Bible verse at you."
"Bible verse?" replied the crook. "She said she had an ax and two .38s!" 
 
Then there was sister Annie.....
Last Sunday, Annies pastor challenged his congregation to be aware of opportunities to testify for Jesus. Now Annie was cerrtainly known for her faith and boldness in talking about the Lord. She was known to stand on her front porch and for the benefit of her athiest neighbor, shout, "Praise the Lord!" resulting in her goldess neighbor's response, "There ain't no God!"
When hard times set in, Annie stood on her porch and prayed, "Praise the Lord! Please God, send me some groceries." The next morning she found a large bag of groceries on her porch, which caused her to shout, "Praise the Lord!"
On cue, her neighbor jumped out from behind the bushes and cried, "Hey, don't give God the credit- I bought those groceries, He didn't!"
Annie laughed, jumped up and down, clapped her hands, and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"
 
Transparent Compliment.....
The pastor of st. Paul's church was ill one Sunday morning, so a preacher was called as pulpit supply. In his opening remarks the preacher said, "You know, a substitute preacher is like a piece of cardboard in a broken window. He fills the space, but after all, he's not the real glass."
After the service, a lady approached the preacher trying to pay him a compliment. "You weren't a replacement after all. You were a real pane."

 

Sunday Stupor....
Miss Gladys was a regular fixture in morning worship at First Church. On this one particular morning the pastor's sermon went on forever. Some in the congregation dozed off.
Following the service, she walked up to a very sleepy looking visitor to welcome him. "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the visitor replied, "You're not the only one."
 
Electronic Prayers....
A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to try it on her own. Mother glowed with pride and listened to each word right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "But deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
 
Prayer Warrior....
A deeply religious man was perched on his roof loudly praying wile floodwaters licked at his feet. His pastor came by in a boat and said, "Get in!" The religious man replied, "No, I'm up here praying, and I know God will grant me a miracle."
Later teh water was up to his waist, and another boat floated by and that rescuer yelled for him to get in. The pray-er responded that God would answer his prayers and give him a miracle.
With the water chin high, a helicopter threw down a rope ladder and told him to climb to safety. He again turned down the offer. "My prayers will be answered."
Finally he gulped his last breath and found himself at the gates of heaven. With broken faith he cried to St. Peter, "I thought God would grand me a miracle. He let me down."
"I don't know why you're complaining." St. Peter chuckled. "We sent you two boats and a helicopter."
 
From A Child's Heart....
A daddy was listening to his child say her prayers. "Dear Harold...." Wait a minute, honey, how come you called God 'Harold?"
The little girl looked up and said, "That's what they call Him at church. You know the prayer we say, 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name.'"
 
And then there was this particular four-year-old who prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
 
And finally, the realist: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and by brother and by doggy and me. Oh, yes, please take care of yourself, God. If  anything happens to You, we're gonna be in a big mess." 
 
 Prayer for the Deaf....
It was bedtime for timmy and Jimmy who were staying overnight with their grandparents. While kneeling to say his prayers, Timmy began praying at the top of his lungs, "Dear God, for Christmas I want some video games, a motor bike, a DVD player..."
"Whoa," Jimmy hollered, "Why are you yelling? God ain't deaf."
"I know God's not deaf," replied Timmy. "But Grandma is!"
 
Helpful Prayer....
Timmy had been misbehaving in children's church and was isolated form the other children for time-out. After awhile he emerged and informed his teacher that he had though it over and then prayed about it.
"Fine," said his pleased teacher. "If you ask God to help you not to misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask him that," said Timmy, "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
Here Goes......
"So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been selfish, grumpy, nasty, or overindulgent. I'm really glad about that.
"But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
"Thank you, In Jesus' name, amen."
 
Job Descriptions.....
St. Michael's bye the estruary was getting organized. They had written a mission statement, designed a flow chart, and the office was now working on job descriptions. The following is the first draft.
 
Senior Pastor
Is able to leap tall buildings in a single bound;
Is more powerful than a locomotive;
Is faster than a speeding bullet;
Walks on Water;
Gives policies to God.
 
Associate Pastor
Is able to leap short buildings in a single bound;
Is as powerful as a switch engine;
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet;
Walks on water if the sea is calm;
Talks with God.
 
Educational Director
Leaps small building with a running start;
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine;
Is faster than a speeding BB;
Walks on water if he knows where the rocks are;
Talks with God if special request is approved.
 
Music Director
Clears a Quonset Hut;
Loses races with a locomotive;
Can fire a speeding bullet;
Swims well;
Is occasionally addressed by God.
 
Youth Director
Runs into small buildings;
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times;
Used a squirt gun in college;
Knows how to use the water fountain;
Mumbles to himself.
 
Church Secretary
Lifts buildings to walk under them;
Kicks locomotives off the track;
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth;
When God speaks, she says, "May I ask who's calling?"
The Benefits of Giving....
 
The Grace Church treasurer went to thte pastor with the bad news that they couldn't make the mortgage payment or pay the utilities. So the pastor went to his congregation on Sunday morning. "We need an extra large offering this morning." Then he added, "We will honor the person who gives the largest offering by inviting him or her to pick out three hymns for the service."
To the Pastor's delight, there was a one thousand dollar bill in the plate, which made him so excited he asked the big giver to identify himself so he could say "thank you."
A quiet little lady sitting in the back corner shyly stood, and the pastor invited her to the front. Telling her how generous her gift was, he also invited her to select three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over teh congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the sanctuary, and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
 
Fair is Fair.....
 
Hank: "God, I was wondering, how long is a million years to you?"
 
God: "Son, a million years is like a second to me."
 
Hank: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
 
God: "Son, a million dollars to me is like one penny to you."
 
Hank: "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
 
God: "Just a second, son." 
 
More On Tithing.....
A rather stingy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the front gate by St. Peter, who led him on a house tour down the golden streets. They passed mansion after beautiful mansion until they came to the end of the street and stopped in front of a tiny shack without gold paving in front. "And here is where you will be living, sir," Peter announced.
"Me live here?" the stingy man yelled. "How come?"
Peter replied, "I did the best I could witht he money you sent us."
 
Cheerful Giver....
On Sunday morning a father gave his son a couple of quarters and a dollar. "Put the dollar in the offering," the father said, "then you can have the fifty cents for ice cream."
When the boy came home, he still had his dollar. "Why didn't you put the dollar in the offering?" his father asked.
"Well, it was like this," the boy explained. "The preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I could give the fifty cents a whole lot more cheerfully than I could the dollar."
 
Offertory Statements.....
"The Lord owns the cattle on a thousand hills. He only needs cowboys to round them up. Will the ushers please come forward for the offering?"
 
"Let us give generously-according to what you reported on your income tax."
 
"Give now, before the cost of living goes up more, and you can't afford to. Amen"
 
"As you give this morning, remember that many of our ambitions are nipped in the budget."
 
"Not only is it more blessed to give than to receive, but it's also tax deductible."
 
"The Lord loveth a cheerful giver...but He also accepts from a grouch."
 
"Do you give to the Lord's work weekly-or weakly?"
 
"If you are stupid enough to make money your god, it'll bother you like the devil."
 
"All people should try to spend their lives doing things that will outlast them."
 
"Support your church. You can't take your money with you, but you can send it on ahead."
 
"Money doesn't go as far as it used to, but at least if goes faster."
 
 Deductions.....
Alittle boy who wanted one hundred dollars very much prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the one hundred dollars.
When the post office received the letter addressed to "God, USA," they didn't know what to do with it, so they sent it to the president at the White House. The president was so impressed he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a five dollar bill. "That should look like a large sum of money to one so young."
The boy was delighted with the five dollars and immediately sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read, "Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. However, I notice that for some reason you had it sent through Washington D. C., and as usual, the government deducted ninety-five percent."
 
 
 

Top Ten Reasons Eve  was Created.....

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."


 

 

Eve was made out of one of Adam's ribs.....

A Sunday School teacher was telling the children that God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny became fascinated when the teacher told him how Eve was made out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later that week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were in pain, and asked, Johnny, what's the matter sweetie? Little Johnny replied, "I have a pain in my side! I think I'm going to have a wife!"


 

Good News, Bad News.....

The pastor of Second Church stood before his congregation and announced, "I have bad news, I have good news, and I have bad news."

"The bad news is, the church needs a new roof!" The congregation groaned.

"The good news is, we have enough money for the new roof." A cheer went up from the congregation.

"The bad news is, it's still in your pockets."


 

Faithful with Much.....

At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony. "I'm a millionaire," he said, " and I attribute it all to the rich belssings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith.

"I had just earned my first dollar, and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a misionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had either to give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that's why I'm a millionaire today."

As he finished it was clear that everyone was moved by the man's story. As he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said, "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"


 

No Excuse Sunday.....

to make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say "Sunday is my only day too sleep in."

There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.

We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof wiould cave in if I ever came to church."

Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner too.

Docters and nurses will be in attendance for htose who plan to be sick on Sunday.

The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.


 

 

Wife Appreciation Sunday....

Adam was walking around teh Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, causing God to ask, "What's wrong with you, Adam?"

Adam replied that he didn't have anyone to talk to. So God announced that he was going to give him a companion--a woman.

"A woman?" Adam replied.

Then God described her, "She will be someone to cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to care for them. This woman will not nag you and will always be the first to admit when she is wrong. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever you need it."

"What is she going ot cost me, God" Adam asked.

"An arm and a leg," God responded.

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.


Their Mothers May Have Said It....

"Sampson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been!"

 

"David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons."

 

"Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper."

 

"Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!"

 

"Cain! Get off your brother! Your're going to kill him some day!"

 

"Noah! No, you can't keep them! How many times do I have to tell you, don't bring home any more strays."

 

"Gideon! Have you been hiding in that winepress again? Look at your clothes."

 

"James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder."

 

"Judas! Have you been in my purse again?"


 

Jesus Is Better Than Santa....

Santa lives at the North Pole; Jesus is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh; Jesus rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year; Jesus is an ever present help.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited; Jesus stands at your door and knocks.

Santa makes you stand in line to see him; Jesus is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap; Jesus lets you rest in His arms.

Santa asks, "Little boy, little girl, what is your name?" Jesus knew our names before we did.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly; Jesus has a heart full of love.

Santa offers "Ho, ho, ho"; Jesus offers health, help, and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry"; Jesus says, "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."

Santa's little helpers make toys; Jesus makes new lives, mends hearts, repairs broken homes.

Santa may make you chuckle; Jesus gives you joy.

Santa puts gifts under your tree; Jesus became our gift and died on the tree.

There's really no comparison. Jesus is the reason for the season.


How to Get Into Heaven......

A man dies and mets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says to the man, "Here's how it works. You need to have one hundred points to get into heaven. You tell me about all the good things you've done. They are all worth a certain number of points. If your total is one hundred or more, you can come in."

"Well," says the man. "I was happily married to the same woman for 52 years. I never looked at another woman. I was attentive and loved her dearly."

"That's great," says St. Peter. "That'll be two points."

"Hmmm," says the man. "This is going to be harder than I thought. Well, I attended church regularly, volunteered my time and tithed faithfully."

"Wonderful," says St. Peter, "That's worth another point."

"One point!" says the man. "Okay, okay. I was involved with a prison ministry for twenty-five years. I went into the prison, at least monthly, and shared Jesus with them."

"Wow!" says St. Peter. "That's another two points!"

"Only two points!" says the man. "At this rate, it'll be by the grace of God that'll I'll ever get into this place."

"Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's one hundred points! Come on in."


 

Forest Gump and St. Peter....

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"


 

Three Wise Women......

You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts.


 

Grandparents' Sunday......

A little girl sat on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she'd reach up and touch his wrinkeld cheek. Then she'd touch her own cheek thoughtfully.

Finally she spoke, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago."

"Did God make me, too?" she asked.

"Yes, indeed, honey," he answered.

"God made you just a litte while ago."

She touched his face again, and then her own.

"He's getting better at it, isn't He?" she asked.


 

Wedding Day.....

Little Tony was in his uncle's wedding. As he came down the aisle during the ceremony, he carefully took two steps, then stopped and turned to the crowd. When facing the congregation he put his hands up like claws and roared loudly. So it went, step, step, turn, roar, step, step, turn, roar, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the congregation was near tears from laughing. By the time little Tony reached the altar, he was near tears too. When later asked what he was doing, the boy sniffled and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."


 

Preacher vs. Music Leader......

There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by, this spirit began to spill over into the worship service.

The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we should all dedicate ourselves to God. The music director led the song, "I Shall Not Be Moved."

The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director led the song, "Jesus Paid It All."

The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led, "I Love to Tell the Story."

With all this going on, the preacher became toatally disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The music director led, "Oh, Why Not Tonight."

As it came to pass, the preacher did resign. The next week he informed the chuch that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus who was taking him away. The music leader led the song, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."


 

Vows.....

"Do you take this woman for your wedded wife," the minister asked the nervous bridegroom. "For better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or..."

"Just a minute, Pastor!" interrupted the bride. "Stop now or you'll talk him right out of it."


 

Fund-Raising....

The church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money for their annual tour. They made a large sign which read, "Car Wash for Choir Trip."

On the given Saturday, business was terrific, but by two o'clock the skies clouded and teh rain poured, and there were hardly any customers.

Finally one of the girl washers had an idea. She printed a large cardboard poster which read, "We Wash and God Rinses." Business boomed!


 

For Whom the Bell.....

A minister is walking down the street one sunny afternoon when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. But the doorbell is too high for the little boy to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts, the minister decides to give the lad a hand. So he crosses over and goes up to the house and gives the bell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the little boy's level, the inister smiles benevolently and askes, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"


 

Faces.....

Watching Sunday school pupil Willy making faces at the kids around him, teacher Miss Betsy stopped the lesson and said, "Willy, when I was your age, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze that way."

Bobby looked up and replied innocently, "Well, Miss Betsy, you can't say you weren't warned."


Dollar Bills.....

There was two old dollar bills. One was a $100 dollar bill and the other was a $1 dollar bill. The $100 dollar bill said, "I've lived a good life. I've been to the amusement park, the theater, the zoo and baseball games."

"Wow," said the $1 dollar bill. "You sure have had a good life."

"Where have you been?" asked the $100 dollar bill.

"Oh, I've been to a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Lutheran church and an Episcopal church."

The $100 bill said, "What's a church?"


 

Catholic Heart Attack.....

After suffering a heart attach and having quadruple bypass surgery, a man woke up to find himself in a Catholic hospital with nuns taking care of him. As they nursed him back to health, one of the nuns asked him if he had health insurance.

"No," he replied, "No health insurance."

"Do you have any money in the bank?" asked the nun.

"No. No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have any relatives you could ask for help?"

The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

At this the nun because irritated. "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"

"OK, then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."


The Pope wants to Drive....

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"


 

 

Jonah and the Whale....

One day, a teacher was talking to her first grade class about whales when a little girl had a question.

Little Girl: "Do whales swallow people?"

Teacher: "No, even though they are much bigger than a person, they have throat pleats that filter their food of krill and plankton.

Little Girl: "But Mrs. Thurston says Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Teacher getting angry: "Blue whales cannot swallow people."

Little Girl: "Well, when I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah if he was really swallowed by a whale."

Teacher, still red with anger: "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Girl: "Well, then you can ask him."


No Disrespect Implied.....

Pastor Smith had a long session in his dentist's chair having all of his teeth pulled and a set of dentures installed and was back in his pulpit the following Lord's Day.

The first Sunday he preached only ten minutes.

The second sunday he preached twenty minutes.

But on the third Sunday he preached for an hour and a half.

When some members asked about he time variations, he responded: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures--and I couldn't stop talking!"


 

The Easter Dress.....

The poor country parson was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the devil was whispering to me, 'Wow, you look great in that dress. You should buy it."

"Well," the husband persisted, "you know how to deal with the tempter. Just tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said, 'It looks great form back there, too!"


Shocker.....

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an E-mail back to his wife Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife fo a preacher who just passed away.

The preacher's widow took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted. When she was revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read, "Arrived safely but it sure is hot down here!"


 

Family Worship.....

Every evening the Reverend Phillips family gathered together for a Bible story and prayer. One evening, the story was about Lot and his wife escaping from Sodom and Gomorrah. As all know, the great climax of the narrative is when Mrs. Lot looks back and turns into a pillar of salt.

The story sat well with Tommy, who raised his hand the second the story was over and told his father, "That's like when mom was driving home in the car; she looked back at Rachel and me and turned into a telephone pole."


A Misunderstanding.....

Two church attenders had just come from church and a sermon on Sodom and Gomorrah from Genesis. "You know, Goerge, I always thought that Sodom and Gomorrah were man and wife."

His friend replied, "I can believe you, because I thought the Epistles were the wives of the Apostles."


 

 

More Adam and Eve.....

The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the primary Vacation Bible School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw a picture to illustrate some part of the story.

Little Emily was most interested and drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat behind the wheel was a rather large man and in the back seat a man and a woman.

The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson. But little Emily was prompt with her explanation. "Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden."


 

Turn About.....

A preacher who suffered extreme strained relations with his congregation was finally appointed chaplain at the state prison. Elated to be rid of him so easily the people came in great numbers to hear his farewell sermon. The preacher chose as his text John 14:3, "I go and prepare a place for you... that where I am, there ye may be also." 


 

Drawing God.....

A children's Sunday school teacher encouraged her five year olds to create an art masterpiece that related to the Bible. As she wandered around the room looking at the pictures, she came to little Alice.

"Alice, what are you drawing?"

"Im drawing God."

"But no one knows what God looks like, Alice."

Without missing a beat, Alice replied, "They will when I'm finished."


Farmers Know.....

 On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the minister and one farmer arrived at the village church. The minister observed, "Well, I don't guess we'll have a service today." To which the farmer replied, "If only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."


 

Shipwrecked churchman......

One balmy evening in the south pacific, a navy ship spied smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island.

        Upon arriving at the shore, the crew was met by a shipwrech survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here. I've been alone on this island for more than five years."

         The captin replied, "If you're all alone, why do i see three huts?"

         The survivor answered, "Well, I live in one and go to church in another."

          "What about the third hut?" asked the captin.

           "Thats where I used to go to church."


Forgiveness?.....

Old Jack and old John had been board members at Prince of Peace Lutheran for as long as anyone could remember. they were constantly at odds with each other and at each other's throats, especially in curch board meetings. When one would vote "yes," the other would vote "no."

One day old Jack died and arrived at Heaven's gates. He noticed how everyone was asked a question before they proceeded in. When it was his turn, St. Peter said, "Hi Jack. To see if you qualify to come in, I have to ask you to spell "Jesus."

"That's easy," said Jack, and so he spelle, "J-E-S-U-S." Peter complimented Jack and then asked if he would do him a small favor, "Just take over here for a few minutes."

Several people were waiting at the gate, and Jack asked each one the same question, "Will you please spell 'Jesus'?" Then Jack could hardly believe his eyes; old John was in line.

"What are you doing here?" John asked.

"I'm just filling in for St. Peter. I'm asking everyone to spell the word before they can go through the gates."

"Oh, yeah?" John exclaimed. "What's the word?"

After thinking a moment, Jack said, "Spell 'Albuquerque.'"


 

Near Death Experience.....

Bertha Jones ws a middle-aged woman who had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. During that experience she saw God and asked if this was the end of the road for her. God said no and explained that she had another thirty years to live.

Upon her recovery she figured if she had thirty to forty more years, she might as well stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuciton, tummy tuck, hair transplant and colory, and a nose job.

After her hospital stay, she walked out of the front door and ws killed by a delivery truck. When she arrived in front of God, she asked, "I thought you said I had another thirty to forty years left?"

God replied, "Sorry Bertha, I didn't recognize you."


 

 

Narthex Sign.....

A little girl sitting in church with her father suddenly felt ill. "Daddy," she whispered, "I have to frow up!" Her father told her to hurry to the rest room.

in less than that two minutes the child was back. "I didn't have to go too far," she explained. "There's a box by the front door with a sign that says, 'For the sick.' "


 

Slip of the Tongue.....

A just-out-of-seminary pastor was about to conuct his first wedding and was worried sick. An elderly preacher gave him some advice, "If you lose your place in the ceremony book or you forget your lines, start quoting scriptures until you find your place."

The wedding day came. And, sure enough, the young man forgot where he was in the ritual. Unfortunately, the only verse he coul think of was, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."


 

A Quick Grace.....

The pastor was invited over for dinner and asked to lead in prayer for the meal. After a brief prayer, Little Fred said approvingly, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you?"


Donations Accepted.....

When church secretary Ms. Daisy answered the ringing phone, a mans voice asked, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary thought she heard what he said, but asked, "I'm sorry, who?" The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

        Daisy thought a moment and then answered, "If you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I'd prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

        To this, the man replied, "Well, I was wanting to give one hundred thousand dollars to the building fund."

       Quick as a wink, Daisy responded, "Hang on, sir, I believe I just heard his 'oink.'"


God's Name.....

A "pillar of the church" passed away and on his way to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates of heaven, he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.

    "Oh, that's easy," the man replied. "His name is Andy."

    "What makes you think his name is Andy?" the angel asked.

     "Well, you see at church we used to sing this song, 'Andy walks with me, Any talks with me.' "


 

Doggone Good.....

Little Jason was practicing his violon to play a solo in church, and the torturous noise was making the dog howl. Upstairs, the boy's father was trying to work. After trying to put up with the combined racket of the violin and the dog for twenty minutes, the father finally came down, "Jason. Cant you play something the dog doesnt know?"